Well it took 155 years, but it looks like the American Civil War is finally over. And guess what, turns out the South lost!
Who knew? Evidently not most white people of “Southern” heritage.
And guess what’s gone with the wind? Right, the confederate flag.
A couple weeks ago, NASCAR put the saber to it and no more shall you see it waving at any of its stock car races. It’s banned.
NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace requested it, and finally, in the heat of racial unrest, the company that rakes in $660 million a year from Fox Sports, agreed.
Ah, but our great “Southern pride” is still on full display. At two different tracks, a noose has been found, the first in Wallace’s Talladega garage stall and the second hung from a tree at the Sonoma Raceway in California.
California? Yep, seems that while southern California is 2,500 miles away, Northern California’s Sonoma County has plenty of racing racism to go around, and around, and around.
California wasn’t even truly active in the American Civil War, but that doesn’t keep the “historians” from coming out to protest in the classiest — oh, I’m sorry, I meant the most cowardly — way.
Interestingly enough and also in California, during the past few weeks, two different African-American males have been found dead by hanging.
Suicide was initially ruled in both cases. But it looks like, under the light of public scrutiny, those cases are being reopened.
One of the fellows, hung by a USB cable, had been pulled over by a police officer just hours before.
All of this could be connected, or maybe not connected. I don’t know.
Last night at the White House — that’s right, that White House, not a house filled with white people, oh wait, yes, it is filled mainly with white people, but regardless — protestors tried to pull down a statue of Andrew Jackson!
I have mixed emotions here, since technically, according to family members smarter than myself, I am related to Old Hickory.
Of course, Jackson, our seventh President and from Tennessee, had all kinds of slaves. And while that was bad enough, remember the Trail of Tears with 20,000 Cherokee Indians removed from their homeland?
Yeah, that was him too. We all like to forget about that part. Wait what am I saying? We like to forget all the bad parts!
So, you know, go ahead and tear it down. And while you’re at it, tear the rest of them down, too.
Now I know what you’re saying, fellow “history” buffs. They do sort of remind us of our history, but it’s time we remembered that history correctly.
The South lost, and you same people are always talking about how losers shouldn’t get a trophy.
And that’s what Civil War statues are, they are participation trophies. They are just made of rock instead of plastic.
Losers don’t get a trophy. Last place doesn’t get a trophy. They get ice cream after the game. That’s it.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t honor our dead. We should, especially since most soldiers fighting in the Civil War didn’t own slaves. They were just poor dopes pressed into service.
But the generals? Get out of here!
The Vietnam Veterans Memorial is one of the most moving and reverent historical sites in Washington. But is there a statue of Westmoreland? Um, no.
But look, folks, all is not lost! Tomorrow is another day. And you still have your fellow “historians” to boost your morale.
Why, just look around our fine burg, and what do you see?
Well, it’s the good ol’ Stars and Bars flying high again! This time it’s flying high in the back of an old Dodge pickup truck.
And it’s strung up from a PVC pipe or a shower rod, but still it took Junior a whole Monday afternoon to do it!
Oh, you see them all the time, don’t you? All kinds of old, beat-up pickup trucks. Not any new ones, though, just beat down, barely running wrecks.
Doesn’t it make you proud of your heritage? Don’t you enjoy their toothless protest? They are not ashamed of being white. Man, I’m ashamed they are.
And while we may not tear down these statues today, or tomorrow, or next week. They will be falling. They will be going.
If NASCAR can ban confederate flags, we can toss participation trophies.
DAN JACKSON is a self-employed Paris businessman. His email address is email@example.com.