Somewhere around 8 a.m. most every Friday, a passel of grumpy old men gather at a local coffee mill. The usual dialogue generally centers around politics, guns, weather and sports.
However, last week I was intrigued by a blast of good tidings. Someone was talking about a news report on WHICO. It seems that 3B Laboratories has a new product labeled as 3B Sprayable Energy.
WHICO Station Manager Herman Craven did a very informative interview with Bob B. Barrett, who founded his fledgling business some 25 months ago.
Professor Barrett retired as head of the Micro-Molecular Applied Science Department of the South Hazel Institute of Technology almost 3 years ago.
He told Craven he’d always wanted to have his own business, and purchasing a vacant grain bin, an old tobacco barn and an abandoned dairy barn was his initial business venture.
Those three structures were in close proximity to his welding shop, and they comprised the campus to be named 3B Semi-Reductive Analytical Augmentation and Development Technology.
Barrett told Craven there was a patent pending on his dynamic new product, 3B Sprayable Energy. Each canister will contain 39 doses and will cost $13 per can.
A long-time University of Tennessee supporter, his canisters will be a Dream Cycle Orange.
He also stated that 3B Sprayable Energy is conducting preliminary negotiations with legal teams representing the NFL, NHL, NBA, MLB, NRA, CFL, AIBA, NTRA, NCAA and the Department of Defense.
His company, 3B Sprayable Energy, is represented by the law firm of Owen, Owens and Owing.
Barrett returned last week from Alexandria, Va., and a meeting with Hyman Roth, the under secretary of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
He is confident his patent should be approved no later than April 15. In fact, he is sponsoring a formidable-sized float that will be seen in our very own World’s Biggest Fish Fry.
Bobby Owen, 3B Labatoraty director, also stated the exact ingredients of 3B Sprayable Energy will not be released, but the spray does contain elements of caffeine, alum, turpentine, WD-40, salt peter and Oil of Olay and finally compressed into a stratified aluminum can.
He further stated that 3B Sprayable Energy will work like a spray-on cream, thus allowing the solution to gently permeate the skin and enter the body by osmosis in a steady flow, until it reaches the lower nemitumia, where it will be energized.
Barrett said 3B Sprayable Energy hopes to employ about 71 highly skilled workers, and the potential for his new product are boundless.
However, he cautioned about a possible dark side to 3B Sprayable Energy.
Abuse could manifest itself as a result of unscrupulous employers secretly administrating dangerous doses sprayed through ventilation systems with the intent of increasing productivity by unsuspecting employees.
Also, the highly competitive world of professional sports could be ripe for mismanaging the use of 3BSprayable Energy. Horse breeders and trainers will require stringent supervision and monitoring.
The agricultural world is always open to dastardly taskmasters desiring to make field workers perform at an accelerated pace.
In closing, Barrett said, “In the proper hands, 3B Sprayable Energy would be a blessing; but in the wrong hands, it could unleash many undesired side effects.”
DAN PATTERSON, who’s retired from the Paris Parks and Recreation Department, grew up near the state line and now lives in Paris. He can be reached by email at email@example.com.