Men don’t get formals

But social convention dictates ladies sometimes drag a man to these parties, which is why you’ll get invited. If you note the word “formal” anywhere on the invitation, this means your sweatshirt won’t work. You must rent a tuxedo.

The formal wear store can be a great help. You also should take your date to the fitting. If she sees you at your best, it might improve how she treats you.

When you greet your date at her door, compliment her dress or hair. Do not sniff the air and say, “New deodorant?”

At the party, you will drive up to the event’s entrance, where a valet will take your car and hand you a claim ticket. Hold on to it, because you must give him this, plus a tip (about the price of a tank of gas) to get your car back later.

Some parties have a receiving line. This is like the pre-game meeting at midfield, but without the refs. Also, there is no coin toss.

If you are seated at a long table, and someone asks you to pass the rolls, do not throw them. In fact, forget the word “throw” tonight.

Do not throw rolls, do not throw punches, do not throw up.

The live band dresses formally, too. If the vocalist is wearing a tank top and smashing his guitar, you’re at the wrong party.

You should not “break dance” in formal wear. The correct movement is to shuffle around the room like you broke an ankle.

At the end of the evening, take your date to her front door, thank her for a lovely evening.

Then, get in your car and drive away, rejoicing that tomorrow you can revert to normal habits, and take the tux back.

RIX QUINN lives in Fort Worth, Texas. Got a question for him? E-mail rix@rixquinn.com.